Why are we yelling?

I came across this clip the other day and my chest about caved in.


When we have a loving relationship with someone, the hearts are connected and close, allowing us to communicate easily with each other. #love #peace #KeshavaSwami #SBKS #WisdomThatBreathes

♬ Nature Sound – The Meditation – Red Blue Studio

I have two teenage sons and on rare occasions, something happens in the house that seems (in my brain or theirs) to require the volume to be turned up to break through. I hate it.

Our hearts aren’t connected in those moments. We’re not communicating with each other, at least not effectively. We’re not on the same page or even the same book.

I’ve been close to people, spatially, but miles apart emotionally. The reverse is also true, as the guy mentions. I don’t know that I ever gave thought to how that happened. I just sort of found myself either close or apart from people. Doesn’t everyone?

There’s no shortage of advice like going on regular date nights or vacations as though the physical proximity will force your hearts together. I’m sure that may be sufficient for some people but I struggle with it at times.

When I find myself beyond a certain emotional distance from a person, and my stress levels are high, my natural inclination is to retreat. It’s like I’ve found myself at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with the other person at the top and the only way up is a climbing rope. And I skipped arm and leg days. So I look for another way out.

I know that “interested is interesting” and a good rule for making connections with people, but at times I can’t think of anything to say. Or if I do it’s a one and done.

“How’s school?”

And then I think of the cliché of generations of fathers that don’t know how to connect with their kids. I know I’m not one of those, but I sure don’t feel like Carl Winslow.

So now I’m making it a conscious choice to learn new ways to strengthen those connections. I’m going to do some research, watch some videos, and maybe as ChatGPT what it thinks.

Have any advice on closing the gap with the people that mean the most? Let me hear it.




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2 responses to “Why are we yelling?”

  1. matt Avatar

    this is a really great post on so many levels Robert –

    I don’t have good “direct” answers here. One related thing I seem to come back to constantly in this realm though is Priya Parker’s book The Art of Gathering. It’s not exactly about relationships and distance, but it is about having the intention(s) to make moments mean something. There might be some setting engineering ideas in there to help think through ways to get some connection to spark.

    it’s not just about having “date night” or “out to the ball game with the kids” or whatever,but as she puts it, “a category is not a purpose.” Your purpose is finding what fosters that feeling of connectedness. So even if you’re in the canyon and they’re way up the wall, you can usually engineer a reason to text some funny pictures back and forth even if you’re not going to climb ropes for a proper hang.

    Music/sports/arts/religions = bigger crowds to pass in and out of, and they endure for a reason too.

    I’ll never underestimate the simple act of watching sports with my own dad. It means something different to both of us, but it means something to both of us.

    Keep sharing whatever you find, I’ll be reading!



    1. roberthmyers33 Avatar

      Thanks! I love watching movies (304 last year, 81 so far this year) and I’ve found the kids really enjoy watching them with me. It is our “sports” moment. Thanks for the advice and for helping me through the valley!


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